Rape, sexual assault, and consequences of actions have been in the news a lot lately. Everyone’s got an opinion, and mine, predictably, has to do with how all of this impacts my children and my parenting.
Now, before you get to thinking this is going to be a “lock up your daughters” post, let me stop you right there. I’m the mother of a daughter, yes. But I’m also raising a son; one who is and I hope will continue to be a thoughtful, empathetic, intelligent human being. At four years old, he has already learned many life lessons about this sensitive topic; we will continue to talk about it more as he grows. For now, here’s what we work on:
Impulse control: If you see a cookie on the table that you know is for after dinner, don’t take it. You’re capable of self-control.
Taking no for an answer: In a generation where we are supposed to minimize the word “no” in our parenting vocabularies, there are still times when an entitled tot needs a finite boundary.
Don’t make me tell you twice that the stove is hot. You touch it and someone is going to get hurt. I don’t care how fun, interesting, cool, or exciting it looks. No. And no means no.
Respecting personal space: If you don’t want a hug right now, no one is going to force you to give them a hug. Similarly, if Daddy wants to be in the bathroom to poop alone, you need to respect his privacy and leave when he tells you to. You can talk to him about trains in a minute (oh, look, more impulse control)
Consent: This one is possibly the easiest to see in daily conversation if I just ask the questions that get him thinking. We’re working to make sure Zachary understands that not everyone wants what he wants at the same time that he wants it… he’s getting there. With a leinant court ruling on my mind, we had this conversation about going swimming over lunch the other day:
Zachary: “Can we go swimming?”
Katie: “It’s raining today, but can we talk about swimming for a minute?”
Zachary: “Okay. Like swimming in Papa’s pool?”
Katie: “Yeah, let’s say you wanted to go swimming and wanted a friend to come with you. What would you do?”
Zachary: “I’d ask them.”
Katie: “And what if they said yes?”
Zachary: “Then we go swimming!”
Katie: “But what if they said no?”
Zachary: “Then we wouldn’t go swimming. That would be sad.”
Katie: “Well, what if the friend said yes and came over in their swimsuit but then changed their mind and said they didn’t want to go swimming?”
Zachary: “Then we’d probably play chalk or something.”
Katie: “What about if you ask them to go swimming and they don’t say anything?
Zachary: “Ask again. Maybe they didn’t hear.”
Katie: “When you ask again they still don’t answer. Maybe they’re sleeping. Would it be okay to push them in the pool?”
Zachary: “No. That’s super mean. Like a bully. They could get water up their nose and cough!”
It’s never too early to learn. Start the conversation, change the culture. Don’t excuse the behavior of our boys, hold them equally accountable for their actions. Nobody likes water up their nose and everyone has the right to say no.
~Wiff Love
Wiff Love 